Burlesque (2010)

Steve Antin – Director/ Writer

Christina Aguilera, Cher, Stanley Tucci

There is a little known formula in the Hollywood industry that I think I’m going to crack here. In this blog. To you guys. Get ready Entertainment Weekly, stand back Variety. I’ve got you pegged. Step 1: Take a major diva celebrity at the height of their career who is looking at their work thus far and saying to themselves, “My God, I’m good. Is there anything I can’t do?” Step 2: Give them a couple bucks for budget and say, “Hey, go get ‘em.” Step 3: Get a few good actors together in a room. Give them a couple of cocktails and say “Anyone want to make a quick million for a laugh?” Someone will say yes. Step 4: Watch aforementioned diva make a “Diamond in the Rough Singer Made Good” movie based loosely on a character that is based loosely on them and on their lives and featured songs sung exclusively by them under some loosely conceived pretense (everything is loosely constructed and executed in these movies.) Step 5: Watch diva’s reputation as a legitimate celebrity crumble.

So is the tale of Glitter, The Spice Girls Movie, and, most recently to the table, Burlesque. Christina, you had a fantastic voice and legitimate singing career, Cher, you were a legend. Why, why, why do  you feel that this, in any way, is going to a) catapult you to greater stardom and or b) kick start your comeback? Ladies, stick with what you’re good at, belting it out onstage and wearing fun, sparkly and revealing outfits.

One part Showgirls, one part Moulin Rouge (with less nudity than one and far less talent than the other), Burlesque tells the tale of a hot young waitress coming to make it in the big city and finding her calling at the Burlesque Club owned by an aging but still legendary performer in her own right. I can pretty much sum up in a nutshell what the script writing session sounded like…. Christina: “I want to play a gorgeous girl with an amazing voice who is better than everyone and everyone is jealous of me… I mean her. Oh, and I want a hot guy to kiss. Oh and I want to sing all the songs.” Cher: “Yea I want to be a hot girl too….” Christina: “Not hotter than me!” Cher: “Ok we’re equally hot. And I want to play a totally still relevant and not at all has-been actress slash singer.” And the director said, “um…ok.”

Ok, so I suppose that I might not be being entirely fair. I’m sure that a lot of hard work and money went into the production (around 55 mil in fact.) Mostly in false eyelashes and glitter. Stanley Tucci, for reasons absolutely unknown to me (perhaps he’s a big Cher fan), appears as the only comic relief in a rather predictable, endlessly cheesy vehicle for the two stars to belt it out. Granted, some of the songs are catchy, the costumes are cheerfully flashy and the dance numbers make you feel understandably out of shape. Probably not likely to end up on the Criterion Collection but, in a pinch, not the worst ever.